1. What is your partner’s stance on money management and planning?
I probably can’t stress enough how important is for y’all to be on the same page when it comes money spending, budgeting, utility consumption, and expense responsibilities. All of that has to be discussed prior in meticulous detail before moving in.
You want to have those discussions now before you move in together. Going with the flow when moving in together is never the right move. It will cause a lot of unnecessary stress on the relationship when you two are trying to fit into each other’s space and adjust (which is a huge emotional adjustment in itself!)
Pro-tip: Like any successful partnership, you need check-ins and planning sessions. I get it you want to be romantic and just trust it will all fall into place.
However if you want this to actually last, I would suggest do a coffee date bi-weekly sit-down on what the grocery shopping will look, how are we doing on the bills, is there anything we can cut out or tighten up a bit. Do it over coffee and breakfast. It doesn’t have to be rigid. And keep a tracker of the most important varying expenses (utilities & groceries).
2. Do they strive for self-improvement? Are they open to growing? Or more stubborn?
Are they looking to grow and change themselves for the better as they gain more self-awareness?
The answer should be a HELL YES!
A person who does not see any reason to continuously grow and be a life-long learner will stagnate your growth & development. And they might even try to negatively harm your desire for growth.
You want to make sure you BOTH are on the same page for self-improvement, learning new ideas, able to take constructive criticism, and open to experiences that grow your mind, body and soul!
How much depth has your partner explored within themselves? What is their deep-seated philosophy on life?
Have you asked them about their philosophies on their foundational principles, family values, purpose for fulfillment, overall life mission, and gender role dynamics?
You should have the deep conversations as soon as possible so you can see how much you two align and how much friction there is. And also is there space for healthy debate? Can he understand your perspectives without knocking you down? And is there room for a healthy compromise?
Pro-Tip: These conversations should be had perhaps over some dinner, or if you drink perhaps over some whiskey. It should not at all feel like an interview. It should flow and be like a conversation amongst two intellectuals.
Real Deep Conversation Starters:
- So what is your philosophy on happiness vs fulfillment (contentment)?
- What are some core values that you don’t see enough of in this current day society?
- What kind of schooling experience did you have? (share yours as well) If you could go be a principal for a school, how would you run it? Curriculum, class learning styles etc.
- What are you thoughts on having responsibility dynamic for a healthy relationship? Do you prefer to share the workload and switch off who does what? Or do you feel more comfortable with set responsibilities as per gender?
What does their conflict resolution approach look like?
Think about what happens when you present an opposing view or if you become upset with something he has done.
Does he know how to listen to you and resolve the conflict together? Or does he just give up and wait for you to get over it?
I understand both sides can get heated sometimes if the argument cuts deep, however, it’s how it’s handled in the aftermath that will matter. You want to make sure once you cool off, both of you can lower your ego and come together for the common goal of resolution.
Remember the end-goal for the both of you is to stay together and respect each other….if you truly love each other.
What is their susceptibility to change and learning new ways of doing things?
You want to see how if they are adaptable.
Can they handle change easily? If not, are they at least verbal about their grievances in a respectful way that allows for healthy dialogue?
We’re not perfect. And we all can be a bit set in our ways the older we get.
We just have to show some patience and most importantly grace while we learn to adapt to the new way of living. Understanding that it’s a huge change for the both of you and there will be some serious butting of heads. The best thing you can do is listen to each other first; do not be petty or accusatory (because we don’t want this relationship to end with a thousand cuts).
Personal Anecdote: I didn’t want the dogs on the bed when I first married him because it made it hard to be intimate when there are dogs fidgeting around the bed, creating a divide between us, snoring loudly and having to clean the sheets way more frequently. It took some serious compassionate explaining from my end. I even tried to show that I care about his dogs by getting them a comfier dog bed by our bed.
I didn’t mind the snoring in the same room, as long as it was not directly in my ear.
