I was looking on Eventbrite for fun things to do in Austin for the evening, my husband was not excited about that drive. I felt myself starting to get annoyed, because he was ready to just hit the gym and be a hermit for the day. SO, I encouraged us to sit down as a couple, with some coffee and I told him let’s see how we can both be happy and still do things together.
So we asked each other (brace yourself I know it sounds a bit corny but it works!),
Ask Your Partner What They Truly Want
“What is your selfish desire for today?”
Essentially you’re asking, if you didn’t have any obligations, or had to compromise for anyone or anything, what would you do with your day? How would you chart it out? I got this idea from listening to the Bilyeus on Impact Theory (amazing podcast by the way!).
Ask each other this question, wait for the full response WITHOUT any judgement or non-verbal signs of annoyance. Just listen and take it in.
After each person has gone. Then find that common ground where each of your innate desires can be me. If you seek adventure how can that be accomplished if he seeks rests. Or just decide that perhaps half the day will be dedicated to our individual pursuits, and we can meet back up for a nice dinner out.
Case Scenario For the Selfish Desire Conversation
I wanted to go see a comedy show 1 hour away because I like to explore new experiences, get out of the house, be active and just anything that isn’t lazy watching TV (designated movie night is different). I just had a hankering to do something different.
I also wanted to clean the house and go for a weighted walk (backpack or my military issued rucksack).
Jesse (my husband) wanted to go to the gym, clean the house, go rucking as well, and wanted to relax in the evening with a nice book. He didn’t want to run around to a different city.
Our combined plan: Terrain Ruck, Breakfast & Read, Chores, & Local Dinner & Cocktails.
1. Team Building Strenuous Activity
One that requires physical energy and is a bonding experience.
Purpose: It sets the tone for the day and we both can struggle-bus through it while also thinking of ways to prepare better for it next time or add variety
In our case it was rucking together, which even though we did not have the same pace towards the middle, we both had an equally challenging experience (both of us had heavy rucksacks on for our body weight). We had elevation changes on the nature trail with rocks sometimes on the trail out from us.
Total Distance: 2.9 miles
Time to complete: 1 hour
Total feeling: Badasses who can push through the uncomfortable feeling of wanting to give up.
Something I was good at: Showing Him the Prep-Work
So I taught him how to pack his ruck (gave him an extra one of mine). The Alice Pack. Told him to pack the weight in the top middle of the back.
We packed our hydration packs on top and secured it on our rucks.
I made sure he wore the right boots, and we put sunscreen on and went for the adventure strenuous hike. It was fun for me to show him how the Army does it, and he already was interested in changing up his conditioning styles. I was also interested in adding more resistance to my walks.
So this was perfect to do together. Our vision and goals just aligned.
2. Break Bread Together & Relax
Create the meal experience together (one cooks, one preps & makes beverages)
Purpose: Cooking for each other is more intentional and meaningful (also cost-saving and healthy!)
After that strenuous physical activity, we were tired, sore but felt unstoppable. We were essentially figuratively high-fiving each other (and appreciative of having a motivational partner).
We both cleaned up and then he made the best Southwestern omelets for the both of us!
I went ahead and made us iced coffee. And from there we talked about training for the week.
Next Step-Downtime: We moved to the living room, where he read his book and I worked on this blog 🙂 We put on some ambient music and just relaxed with our cup of coffee and blankets.
3. Timed Chores (Take the each other’s least favorite thing to do).
Give yourselves a time hack; meet back up in 2 hours and try to get as much done on your respective lists. If you need to leave for the next day so be it!
You don’t have to get it all done in one day. You want to leave some time for evening fun too! So give yourselves a reasonable time limit to clean like maniacs, break up the chore duties and GO!
If you notice everything here is about team cohesion–team of two–so neither party feels like they’re carrying the team.
4. A Night Out to a Different Restaurant
We decided we earned some pizza and spirits after being so productive today. I got dressed up and he did as well. And we had a lovely evening discussing theories, relationship dynamic philosophies, current state of events and where we see each other in the upcoming year.
We went to the local downtown of Belton, TX, had some pizza, went to the local live music outside playing by the river, and then ended the night with a drink at the Speakeasy Library (we love Blackbird). What a place for conversation and delightful cocktails!
The goal for a fulfilling weekend is to make sure both of you are able to enjoy each other’s company while doing things both of you wanted to do. If it means meeting up at a later time for date night so be it! If it means having a full day of festivities that cater to both parties’ inner core desires then great!
As long as no one person in the marriage or partnership is ALWAYS compromising for the other’s happiness. There is always a desire to make your significant other happy.
However, you cannot show up as your best loving self if you are always compromising your core needs and desires for them. It will not make for a lasting relationship, and you will grow resentful and the other partner will be upset you didn’t speak up sooner.
So make sure you ask the question to each other before you start making plans for each other, what is your inner desire?
