I’m going to discuss why there is such confusion in the dating pool with men and some rules to adhere in the beginning states of courting/dating!
I think we can all agree it is very frustrating navigating the dating world these days. It seems the number of eligible bachelors are dwindling by the moment. Some men seem to be interested in “quick fixes”, getting over their previous relationship by being distracted with you, lying about their relationship status, or not entirely sure of what they want. And perhaps that’s the reason we have turned to casual dating because it seems hopeless at times to come across someone of value.
It seems like a lot of individuals in the dating pool, are really just fish out of water flopping about looking at you with crazy blank eyes when you ask them, “Hey buddy, what are you doing here? What do you want? Are you sure you should be here?”
The Fear of the Unknown
A lot of men find it difficult to mentally compute their emotions. They may have notions, ideas, fears that feed their emotions, that they find hard to put into coherent clear thoughts and words. These men should really not be in the dating pool. However, they do not realize they are not ready until they find it hard to commit.
Some men may have underlying fears that they cannot articulate or put into words. So either you may not be the one he’s ready to break those fears for, or it’s just not the right time. Because no matter what someone may consciously think, we all are inherently lonely without a true companion in life. It’s just a matter of which potential mate will you push through your fears for.
So listen ladies, you are not any man’s shaman/spirit guide. You are not in the business of being their mother. He has to be OPEN to the journey for himself, if he has unresolved fear, trauma or misplaced values and perspectives.
You CAN, however, be the supportive partner to someone who is WILLING to explore their emotions.
This is only if they have proven themselves as men worth investing yourself and your future time with. You are not training men for the next woman. You SIMPLY DO NOT have the time as a sophisticated high value woman.
And I know casual dating may seem like you get to be headstrong feminist you envision in your mind. But more often than not, it is VERY hard to compartmentalize our emotions from sex. You do not want to open yourself up to riff raff individuals because you have needs. We ALL have needs, I get it. But we cannot succumb to every impulse and urge. Or we are left with the emotional consequences.
We need to budget our time and analyze our worth on a daily basis in order to not get caught in a dating situation with a partner who shows no invested interest.
Here’s some tips on how you can be more intentional when you think you’re ready to date.
Before dating, ask these questions as a high-value woman:
- How have you been investing into yourself lately? How consistently?
- How is that investment contributing and changing your view of yourself?
- Have you been journaling your emotions?
- What in your daily routine is an investment in yourself?
- What are your favorite hobbies?
- Do you have a good friend circle? Why or why not? How can you change that?
- Are you involved in volunteering? How are you investing in the community?
- How are you managing your time? Did you break up your priorities into steps (creating a system that works for the future you want?)
Initial Courting Rules
1.Do not wait by the phone and drop your schedule.
I have spoken to good men, and even they say they don’t want the woman to be TOO available.
Make sure you are filling up your calendar with events, obligations, activities that SERVE YOU.
Do not become so desperate for this man’s time that you drop everything for him and make it known to him you do. It’s power dynamics, unfortunately. You might be a free soul who just wants to spend your free time with him as much as possible, because why not, right? Two is better than one!
However, this is too early for such a cliff jump into this adventure. You might be concocting your own whirl wind romance. It can overwhelm him if you try to push him in too soon. He may not be ready to jump headfirst. And that’s okay. Let him to feel out the water, and jump into it himself.
Give him the chance to get that exhilarating feeling of the unknown. Have fun & take your time with the courting. Keep it fun, flirty and light while keeping some allure.
Because remember, high value women are the driving motivation behind what men do in this world. Hold back a bit, and let him FEEL the drive and motivation to pursue you.
Also ask yourself why are you so willing to wait for him, while he MAKES you wait. Is your cup filled in no other way? Is he the only person/experience that brings you happiness. Re-evaluate that need you have.
2. No proper effort after 2 weeks. You have one decision to make.
If you see that this person seems very “busy” and distracted and is not providing that energy in getting to know you…then you have one decision to make.
Will you allow this and water down your value/time?
Do not tempt yourself by keeping him around as a friend. This will only lead down one path, once the temptation comes—to the dreaded situationship. No one is truly above temptation given enough time and opportunities especially if you are attracted to him.
Your “I know my worth” conversation will look something like this. It will be said with elegance and no resentment. Make sure there is NO heightened emotion in your voice. Be kind and respectable:
Hey, I wanted to speak to you about our dynamic/the way we have been interacting.
I don’t see much invested interest from you, the way I am showing you–and what I would generally expect from someone who is genuinely into me.
And that’s fine. It lets me know, perhaps there isn’t much value for you here. I wish you well and if you decide that you’re ready to give us more time, I’m a phone call away. But I’m going to continue living my life uninterrupted and continue dating if the opportunity presents itself. Thank you.
PResenting your value Conversation/Breaking it off TEmplate
3. Be Clear, Gentle, and FIRM
It is only when a woman is ready to get up and take her dignity with her, does a man realize he cannot just play and “fart around” the way he unintentionally or intentionally may be doing.
How he responds next, will let you know everything you need to know of the kind of man he is.
He may ask how he can do better. And make sure you have ways to help him. But once again, he has to SHOW the willingness. You can help a man understand how to navigate dating because they’ve been told wild stories about what woman want. Wait a few days before you call her, ignore her so she’ll like you more, the hotter she is–treat her like she’s a toad so she’ll chase you. The list of dating gimmicks goes on. All safety mechanisms so they don’t get their heart broken.
But be clear and upfront for him. You are not interested in dating without intention. A lot of men need guidance and clear set of expectations. But only provide it to the one ready to show he is invested.
Here is an example of setting date night expectations as a high value woman:
“I would like for you to take the initiative to provide us date ideas for us. We can take turns if you’d like. But I do not want to be the only one approaching us with date night ideas.
When you plan it yourself, it makes me FEEL like you truly are care and are interested in showing us a good time.
And ask me at least 4-5 days before so I can plan my weekend with my own activities and friend group meetups. Last minute date nights are not necessarily bad because I do like to be spontaneous but I prefer it not be the norm as I do have a pretty robust life I want to plan for and live.
Expectation Setting Example
Hopefully this has helped with starting those healthy dating conversations and setting boundaries on how you deserve to be treated with your time.
Just remember to say everything with a calm demeanor and not with bitterness or rage. He is not your ex, and do not become triggered to the point that you dictate rules to him. The message can only come across effectively if the delivery is done right.
