Men can sometimes have different ways they need to process emotions. As women, we must understand that they may not have sounding board like we do (our girlfriends, sisters, and our mothers). Some men may be emotionally unavailable not by choice but just because they have internalized their feelings for so long that they find it easier to shut down than to parse through it.
He will gladly do things for you romantically if he is more connected to you. So help create those experiences for him, if he’s having trouble figuring out how and provide the space when needed. Be calm and inviting in your approach.
Exude your feminine energy by being confident and do not beg for attention. If he wants to partake on the below experiences with you then he is definitely ready to take on the task of connecting with you deeply. If he is not willing, then you will have to let him go.
I’ve gathered some insider perspective from some male peers on how to connect with an emotionally unavailable man:
1. Leave Space for Him When He Asks For It
He needs the space to sort through his own feelings and process what the absence of you feels like. Do not crowd him with your questions and requests for attention. You must be respectful of it and in turn respect yourself in not forcing yourself onto him (even if you’re in a committed relationship).
What he needs is to be by himself in his mental man cave. He does not process emotions as easily or quickly as you. He may need to be doing some activity or hobby he can zone out on, for him to come to terms with himself. You must allow him to breathe.
He might be doing busy work like carpentry, house projects, landscaping or tinkering in order to clear his head. Anything that involves working with his hands or being in emotion helps him sort through his thoughts with more ease.
2. Get Him Out of His Comfort Zone
If he’s willing to let you completely plan a day together, then get him out of his comfort zone! But take baby steps of course.
If he’s an introvert, take him to something he might enjoy that doesn’t involve too much interaction with others, but allows him to be with others while doing his own activity.
For instance, take him to beginner’s dance class! Or take him to a blacksmithing class you can easily find on GroupOn. Take him to a cool kickboxing class in the area. Maybe you guys can take up an activity consistently together.
Learn something together and see where it takes you. It’ll build some intimate moments between you two as well. Stir up some feelings and fun all at the same time.
3. Have Open Talks in a Relaxed Manner
Get in a relaxed setting. Take out the nice whiskey bottle out, two glasses and put on some low music.
This should be done at either your place or his. You want to have an evening inside, cook some home-made dinner together and share some whiskey together (or whatever beverage of choice).
You want him to be relaxed, stomach happy & full and comfortably sitting before you start begin your deeper talks.
4. Introduce New Intellectual Concepts
Sometimes you need to approach the emotionally unavailable men with intellectual theories and concepts. Give him something to think about that’s based in logical facts and research. Allow him to make the connections on his own. Don’t tell him how to feel or how to think but let him speculate on concepts and explore his perspective.
For instance, you can introduce Attachment Theory. Open up about yourself and speak genuinely about your discoveries and how it applies to you.
Provide the 4 different types of attachment styles but DO NOT accuse him of what you think he is. Maybe take the test together (get the Attached Book to make this easier).
The goal is to really make this an “intellectual workshop” so you two can learn, build and come away with understanding each other better.
5. Hold His Hand as He Becomes More Comfortable
It’s important to have patience while he is adjusting to this new dynamic of self-expression with you. It will not happen overnight. You don’t want to rush him while he’s figuring it out. Just continue the above practices while not becoming him feel guilty for being emotionally reserved. He either does not know how to understand his own inner voice or it has been muted a long time ago. Or he just needs to feel safe with someone who is willing to guide him through his quieted fears and hestitatons.
The goal is to NOT nag for attention. Instead create moments and help him see how lovely it is to have someone who truly cares to listen to him. More often than not, men’s worth is evaluated from how much he can provide. Be the woman who lets him just exist peacefully and enjoy your company without being asked to do something. And I promise he will come to you. If he still refuses to meet you halfway, then you have to let him go.
You cannot lose yourself if he is too stubborn to explore a deeper connection with you.
