There are too many moments where we wake up in the morning, catch a glimpse of ourselves in the bathroom mirror and have this feeling in the pit of stomachs; am I even enough? I can be better. And so we set out in the world seeking validation from whoever will give it.
We need the world to tell us we are enough. We need our friends to say we are good friends to them. We need our bosses to tell us how invaluable we are to the company. We need the men in our lives to commit to us, giving us the highly coveted status as the ever-loving “the one”. We don’t know how to stop seeking validation.
Is it really asking for too much?
The question is, why are we asking? Why do we seek this validation? Can we not logically give that ourselves? Would we not be better off to provide our own comfort? Especially when we feel at our lowest, we grasp for the man to validate what we have to offer.
When did that become a natural expectation we formed?
Either way, it is a sign of misaligned and wounded feminine energy.
We are not trying to be wounded fawns in our own lives. We have to be stronger than that. We can’t just buckle at every sign of insecurity within us. Think of how you perceive those who ask for validation, who ask for compliments, who ask to confirm the value of their existence. Think of how you form thoughts about them. I’m sure you do not see them as a strong willed individuals. And so the same goes for a strong feminine woman. She does not ask to be valued. She knows she is a valuable woman and will retreat from those who are not aligned with that understanding.
Okay…so how do I stop seeking validation from guys?
It is like re-conditioning yourself when trying to break habits and form new ones.
1. Ask yourself the question first.
You want to catch yourself every time you are about ask for validation or reaffirming words. You also want to catch yourself, when you feel insecure about other girls in the same vicinity of your man. Stop and think, why am I asking/thinking like this? It can sound like;
“Do you love me?”,
“How much do you love me?”,
“Tell me again the first time you really knew it was me”,
“What do you even like about me?”,
“What do you find attractive about me?”,
“What makes me special”….and the list goes on. It’s as if you’re looking for the answers too.
We need to hear others tell us what a great role we play in their lives in order to feel secure in our own.
2. List it, Reason it.
Write down why you need these affirmations from others, and especially men.
Make a list and itemize each of the questions you have asked for validation. And next to it write out your reasoning. Often times we don’t even face the truth ourselves until we ask for it.
| Validating Question(s) | Reasoning |
| Why do you love me? | I ask this question because I am not convinced that he loves me with the same passion as I do. And also, I’m nervous that I may lack in appeal at times so I need to make sure he loves me holistically, and most importantly he loves me in a way where I can determine if he won’t leave me. I won’t get hurt. I need to know if I am safe to love freely. |
3. Tackle it one by one.
And just like that you discover all of the fears that motivate your questions. You discover the way to nurture your feminine energy
How do I tackle these fears? Simple. You ask for help. A strong feminine woman knows when she cannot face adversity on her own. She is realistic enough to know when she needs help.
Ask you friends, ask your family, ask your therapist and ask the man in your life (if there is already commitment) for some real feedback. Ask them how you sound when you ask these questions.
The more genuine you are, the easier it will be to unload the issues you have to work through. Self recognition is the hardest but most defining step. Everything else that follows is just ways to un-learn all all the misguided things you have convinced yourself of. But you must first do the following;
BLOCK THE HARSH VOICE.
You cannot get ahead in your healing journey if you allow that harsh intrusive inner critic to continue to run your life. You have this beautiful life, do you really want to squander it in self-pity and self-loathing? How long is that sustainable for? And how much longer until you get taken advantage by someone due to your insecurities.
It is pertinent that you start figuring out from your list of “Validating Questions”, what motivates you to seek validation instead of nurture your own self. This is the first step in healing your feminine energy as well in your relationship with yourself and your partner.
Figure out what is missing. Is it healing from your past traumatic relationships, is it prioritizing yourself more to improve your self-image, is it trying to improve upon your overall communication style (are you more reactive than proactive) or do you have the wrong people in your life that make you question your stance?
Even taking 20 mins a day to dedicate to your self reflection and self mastery of yourself will pay in dividends in your relationships.
Put yourself first or else that lack of self attention will breed insecurity and resentment which will then carry over into your relationships.
Read some books that help you along the journey. One of my favorites is “The Mountain is You” by Brianna West to really help you look inwards with a new perspective. It gives you the tools you need to master yourself. This book shows you how you are creating patterns with your actions, and how to recognize when you need to be critical of your inner voice. It teaches you how to be tough with yourself and face some harsh truths. And then it shows you how to overcome it! Pretty amazing read and only 5 hours as an audiobook.
And there is nothing wrong with playfully asking your partner “So what made you fall for me?”. But if you are asking these questions frequently and in an anxious manner, then you know you need to look deeper within before it manifests itself in a way that can hurt you or your relationships in the long run. You can work towards being more secure in your feminine energy and yourself overall. Like most things in life, it takes conscious effort everyday in order to stop seeking validation. But the first step is recognition of it and finding the root cause. Rolling up those sleeves and doing the mental and emotional work!
