Most women are depleted from trying to be the man they wish they could find.
There is barely a chance to be soft and explore our more feminine side because we’re constantly thinking of ways to be competent at work, work on our physique, prep for healthy foods (since we’re too tired or busy during the week to cook), balance bills and budgeting, manage our homes and at the same time allocate time to side hobbies, socializing and projects!
We’re all constantly in our masculine energy to keep that competitive edge and keep things afloat. And then when we find a man, we tend to attract men who also want to be taken care of, entirely!
They no longer feel the need to protect us or cater to us because they look at us and think, “You got it, Champ!”
Here’s some tips I’ve learned in how I can dodge the types that want to essentially latch onto you as another obligation, and instead attract a strong man of real value and discipline.
The overall goal is to hold the potential man in scrutiny and not reveal your entire loving self UNTIL they have earned it. This is how most men appreciate women (even the good ones). It’s how you protect yourself while you weed out the weak-willed from the strong men.
1. Create a list of non-negotiables and get used to saying “That’s not going to work for me”.
We all know what disrespect looks like. Don’t make it a habit of someone showing their hand more than once.
Once they show they don’t value you, your time and/or the care you have been giving them, leave. Send a one sentence note saying this is not how you will be treated and then that’s it. Stand your ground, your respect is NOT up for discussion.
People only respect those that respect themselves and stand by their word. Make sure you actually do what you say or else you won’t be taken seriously again.
2. Date with a sense of abundance not scarcity.
Don’t act like this man is the only guy that you can get or can make a connection with.
I know it’s exhausting to put yourself out there frequently and then you find someone, date them for a bit and they show their hand. Walk away.
Take a self care break, and then get back on the saddle with the coffee dates (stay away of from liquor on first dates if at all possible. You will thank me in the morning).
There are plenty of men out there and if they say “I’m not ready for anything serious”, please keep it moving. This man will play mind games with you and is still searching for himself or still remiss about his ex-girlfriend. Don’t even think to change his mind or try to “win” him over.
3. If he’s showing red flags, get off the bus don’t even wait for the next stop.
We all know what disrespect looks like.
Don’t make it a habit of someone showing their hand more than once.
Once they show they don’t value you, your time and/or for all the attention you have been giving them, simple leave. Don’t fight. Stay composed. You are not owed anything. He has made his decision in his lack thereof.
Send a one sentence note (because you’re a mature woman who calls a spade a spade and moves on) saying this is not how you will be treated or if he has a bad habit that this is not the kind of energy/male influence you want in your life.
You want a man who is strong and guiding as a partner, not a lost boy who is frivolous with his time and yours.
Stand your ground, your respect is NOT up for discussion.
People only respect those that respect themselves and stick to their word. There are PLENTY of other good men out there that will quickly make you forget about this boy. I promise you.
Just be brave enough to know what you deserve and seek it out, and leave what you know is settling.
4. Don’t step out there with doubt in your mind and heart. Don’t think he’s out of your league.
Make time for taking care of yourself, so YOU feel confident. Talk it, Walk it and Dress it.
Listen to me, if you don’t take care of yourself and make sure YOU feel confident in your skin, clothes and overall demeanor, then your energy will exhibit doubt. And that’s not doing justice to yourself and it’s also making you vulnerable to narcissistic manipulative people.
Consider the dating field a battlefield. You don’t go out there without the full confidence in who you are and your capabilities in the battlefield.
There will be some worthy “opponents” and some who will cut you at the knees at any moment of weakness (whether they realize it or not).
Sensing true strength in someone and treating them with respect is a subconscious effort. So make sure you exude that authentic confident energy, ensuring you are not vulnerable to deceit.
Be sure and confident in the way you speak, your attire and your demeanor.
Speak slowly with intention, wear clothes that exude your feminine confidence (subtle and classy). And be limited in your physical touch until you deem him worthy of your attention.
Don’t wear leggings if possible–you’re trying to show your feminine allure without being functional Sporty Spice. There are many faces to us, step out in your flowy feminine attire when courting.
Curate a feminine wardrobe that make gives a more elegant persona. Click here for some examples regarding wardrobe.
Men are visual creatures as well. You’ll respond in a more softer way in a dress and he’ll treat you more like a lady that needs to be looked after. (I’ve noticed that in my husband as well).
5. Be cautious of men who like to use women
If he starts asking for too many favors, say you don’t have the time in your schedule.
Even if you’re not busy, say you are. Valuing your time and respecting your energy is very important. Just because you may be available doesn’t mean he needs to expend your energy like that all the time.
If he asks are you free, tell him I have a few appointments for today (even if it’s with yourself) and ask him why does he ask to gauge what he wants.
Don’t overshare or spend too much time talking about your past traumas or your ex boyfriends. Do NOT expose yourself to this man until he is committed to you. He’ll know subconsciously how much he can take advantage of you. Never give someone the manual like that.
6. He lacks a sense of urgency to do better
My husband wakes up every other weekend on a Saturday makes a pot of coffee and gets to work on making home made nutritious bread for the family.
He believes the preservative bread that is dyed and made for the shelves consists of toxic elements and he has this sense of urgency to do better for the family and himself. So he makes home-made bread for us.
THIS sense of urgency and sense of accountability is one of the reasons I married him. He is not lazy or lacksadaisal about matters he cares about. If he wants to change something for the better for himself and our family, he ACTS. He doesn’t complain and look at me to do everything for him.
He makes the determination of what needs to be done, he acts, and he stays consistent. This is what is lacking in today’s society of men.
7. When he asks what do you bring to the table because he just brings in the money, walk the other way.
This man is hurting and projecting from his mistakes with other women.
It’s a very transactional way to view relationships, he has no depth to see it any other way. Don’t spend time trying to change his views, he can find his own way.
A lot of men, look to the women and believe she is to do everything as the matriarch or woman of the house. And their only role is to be the breadwinner.
However, that is a one-dimensional partner.
Even if it is a one income household, masculine men still should have a desire to lead the family with purpose and direction. That manifests in being present for you (and the children) so you can be your best selves.
How is he planning for the future with you, how is making sure the family is eating healthy and taking care of themselves (is he helping to setup a small personal farm), is he building the home up to be more secure and well adapted for the family needs.
Is he leading the relationship and family towards prosperity and gratitude. Is he listening to you when you feel the least heard?
Is he good at conflict resolution and knows how to calmly shut down an argument that is spiraling out of control (does so with a calm love and concern).
If he thinks just bringing home money is his entire role as a man and husband. Run the other way because he has had no good role model and has self-learned the easy way out and hence has minimal accountability.
What part do you play in attracting/keeping this man?
Your Role: But also you as the woman also have to be HIS partner, help with the cooking and maintaining the home with him, help him save money by having financial planning conversations and ensure you always keep an open ear to when he opens up to you.
Respect him as a true partner if he has earned it (if he hasn’t you shouldn’t be with him). Don’t ever disrespect him by raising your voice for a petty argument. Control your temper and your demeanor but also ensure he respects you as well if he slips. Remind him you are there as a lover and supporter but to never speak to you out of turn. It is a true privilege for him to have you as a partner. Love him and show him how you need to be loved. Understand he may love differently, and learn to be receptive of that love.
This is not about “what can he do for me”. This is how can we lift each other and stay in the light of a prosperous relationship.
