There can be tendencies in us to follow a glimmer of hope when choosing a partner. We latch onto a feeling, an idea, a potential future when we think of that person. And we just hold on until we get a to stopping point, where we are incapable of moving forward with them.
Sometimes it is great to be passionate and imaginative but you cannot become so lost in it, that you start molding your partner’s entire character into your story.
It’s important to review what you believe is ideal. Attributes are good, but his willingness to grow with you is better.
Why We Fall for Potential: The Allure of Idealism in Love
Many women are drawn to a partner’s potential because they often see possibilities for growth, support, and shared dreams in a relationship. They will see him as having all the characteristics they have on their proverbial list for the ideal man.
He may be handsome, well-spoken, from the same background, charming and humorous. Why he’s a perfect match! He may not be so loyal but that’s just because he hasn’t found the right one yet! Or so you say to yourself. Or he may not find you appealing in the romantic way, but slow love can grow right? Friends first and hopefully learn to appreciate you. See you.
And so you pursue him, full steam ahead! Hoping he may turn into the One, if you show all of the qualities of being his One.
The Conflict Between Idealism and Reality
Attraction to a partner’s potential stems from the hope that perhaps love alone with honest effort can bring a fruitful enduring relationship in the future. You believe if I just try hard enough, prove myself enough, he will see I am bring so much value to him!
It’s a risky bet many are willing to take based off the importance they have put in one or more of the partner’s current attributes.
The conflict between idealism and reality arises when expectations clash with actual behavior.
Your Vision of Him VS. Who He Is Now
Idealizing a partner’s potential can lead to disappointment when they fail to meet the envisioned future you have of them. It creates tension between expectations of growth and the reality of imperfections.
People will always act according to the original “stripes” you found them in. They will not change unless a transformative event happens and/or their environment has drastically altered forcing them to adjust their behaviors and mindset.
You are not that his transformative event for him, I’m sorry to say. You’re perhaps new and exciting but soon enough you will be apart of the normal. And he will return to his normal.
The Hidden Risks of Falling for Potential in a Relationship
Women sometimes believe, if we just show them what real love looks like, reassure they are safe with us, make it obvious that we are in fact “different from the rest”, he will provide that fulfilling connection we so desperately seek.
You can change a man’s appearance but you cannot will him to change his heart. He must do so on his own accord. Even if he briefly goes along to play along, inside he may not be entirely bought in. Perhaps even waiting for another woman to come along, so he can move past you as the placeholder you were.
Emotional Toll on Waiting
It begs to question are those attributes in that person worth more than your sanity? Is it worth more than sacrificing your mental well-being if it doesn’t work out.
Are we just hopeless romantics ready accepting the inevitable pain? It’s a choice you make, are you willing to hedge your bets on this guy and possibly hit a great loss and a hit to your ego.
The more you wait, the more you try, the further you move away from yourself.
The light in your face is gone because it’s being drained to make him the man he cannot be for you.
It’s sounding less alluring and more like a risk to your health doesn’t it?
It can be exhausting and mentally taxing, hoping this time it will be different. Love is more than just affection and a desire to be with someone. Love is sacrifice from both parties, and love is self-less. Just think of the Gift of the Magi. Is he willing to sacrifice an item he loves most for you to be happy.
Idealism in relationships will having you building a house on your own with no solid building materials. The roof is going to cave in within a year girl.
Consequences in the Next Relationship
If you decide to continue this effort in dating potential, when you finally give up-you will have no energy and love for when the right man comes along. You will be ridden with self-doubt and hyper self-preservation.
Better now to assess and judge this “potential” partner’s character and values. Cut your losses with them if they cannot make good on their promises before your self-esteem and self-confidence takes a hit.
You don’t want to end up questioning yourself and your value whenever this “potential” man falls short and takes advantage of you.
If a man knows you are going to keep giving him chances to become your ideal “reality” one day, that day will never come. Because he has you right where it’s comfortable. Committed with no real effort on his end. Sounds like a foolish trade, right.
This will inevitably make you least likely to trust any future partner again, and even be doubtful to the point of self-sabotaging any future relationship before it can even blossom. Do not let the emotional turmoil of “potential” keep you from your true husband.
Red Flags That Signal You’re In Love with Potential, Not Reality
One major red flag to watch out for is when you find yourself constantly excusing behaviors or promises that haven’t materialized. Maybe he says he’ll get a better job, work on his communication, or change his habits, but those things never seem to happen.
It’s especially important if he is not making any effort to listen or change. No one is perfect of course, but what efforts are they exhibiting?
If you’re spending more time imagining the person he could be rather than appreciating who he is, it’s a clear sign that you’re letting idealism cloud reality.
Another warning sign is when you feel like you’re more invested in the relationship’s future than in its present—always waiting for the “next stage” instead of enjoying the connection as it stands. Love is about who someone is now, not just who they might become later, and it’s essential to recognize when your feelings are built on hopes rather than the truth.
Conclusion: Embrace Reality Over Idealism
Navigating the balance between idealism and reality in relationships can be tricky and downright frustrating when you built him up to be this perfect guy.
If you find yourself falling for someone’s potential, take a step back and evaluate whether you’re truly seeing them for who they are today.
Remember, love is about accepting each other as we are, not waiting for someone to change.
Now, I’d love to hear from you! Have you ever found yourself caught up in the idea of someone’s potential? What steps did you take to shift your focus back to reality? Share your thoughts in the comments below—I can’t wait to hear your stories and insights. And if you found this post helpful, don’t forget to subscribe for more relationship advice grounded in reality!
