Focus: Picking the Wrong Partner Repeatedly
We can self-sabotage when dating and being in relationships when we overly romanticize the love we have for that person. This person obviously makes it more difficult for you to have stability, yet you still fight for them.
It’s important to decipher if it is indeed real nourishing love that you’re receiving or if it’s just your anxious attachment style wanting something this person is unwilling to give.
Are you staying in this relationship because you want to “fight” for it when in reality you’re the only one fighting.
The Wounded Feminine Dilemma: Why do I Keep Choosing Wrong?
There could be numerous reasons stemming from your upbringing, previous relationships and your own chemistry that may require more frequent dopamine hits (bad boy spontaneity can spark that hit).
Books I Enjoyed for Inner Healing
However, there are many books that address how to address and heal your trauma. I would of course recommend to you “The Mountain is You” By Brianna West always in my articles if you haven’t read it. I have pages bookmarked and notes stickied to it.
It’s a nice reminder for me whenever I feel I am returning to my old ways. I read her pages like affirmations on what the right path balanced path looks like. I also enjoyed the book “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find–and Keep–Love” for the mere fact of how it delves into the many ways attachment styles can manifest in our daily lives.
It gives anecdotes and stories so you start to see yourself in one of the attachment styles. Plus it has an assessment in the book as well that you can do as well as one to assess your partner.
How to Stop Choosing the Wrong Partner
You have to be picky. It’s as simple as that.
If you don’t think you’re worth it, then your choices will reflect that.
You have to really sit down and assess your life, your habits, your hobbies and your overall satisfaction with life. Are you looking for an escape with these men? Have you found peace in what you are doing and pride in who you are becoming?
If the answer is No, then you’ll see why you are trying to find comfort in others who may only offer temporary pleasure. Not true happiness.
So you must ask yourself, are you a woman who is worthy of only transient pleasure or are you worthy of a lifetime of respect, love and happiness? What is your time, attention, care, and love truly valued at in YOUR eyes?
Forget about how this partner sees you. It does not matter. He’s playing off of your energy and boundaries.
YOU set the tone on how much your love, patience and friendship means.
If they seem to take it for granted it’s because you have let them do so without any consequences.
The Response You’ll Receive from Him
Men especially do not act unless there is a fire or absence. And if they do not act at all, they simply do not care are also just passing the time for transient pleasure.
So create that fire (state your boundaries) and then create that absence. But really stick to it.
You are nothing but your word. And he will lose respect for you (may it be subconsciously) the more you keep running back and foregoing your word. Your value will become malleable and you can be on the backburner while he explores women that truly excite him.
You decide if that’s what you want. Sometimes you just need to be slow-burned on the backburner to finally feel the pain to learn the hard way. I know I did in my 20s when I didn’t think I was even that attractive, so I figured I was lucky to have someone think I’m pretty.
Action Plan: What Now? Let your Alter Ego be your Best Friend
Have fun! The world is waiting for you!
Reflect and Free Write the Life You Want to Lead as the Woman You Want to Be
Free write what’s missing, what’s good, what’s ugly and what you have been yearning for in the deepest parts of your soul.
Since we Humans will only stick with habits and activities we find pleasure and joy in. Buy that favorite dotted, college rule lined, or canvas page notebook you’ve been eyeing and just write.
Write without parameters, write without making it pretty, write without action plans, write without a plan…..Write until you have no more emotions to spill onto the paper.
Let the words reveal to you the next steps. Only you know what you need.
Start trusting your OWN voice. Don’t let anyone create a master plan for you.
Craft it yourself, and exercise your own mind’s creativity & logic. Don’t look to others, do what works for you.
Look at your raw emotions and figure out how you can be your own Best Friend. How would your healed Alter Ego guide you in this healing process?
On the Days You Don’t Want to Heal, Turn to Your Alter Ego
If need be, she will be holding your hand through the process until you can get to the other side. Close your eyes, imagine what her name is, who she is, how she looks, what she wears and what kind of resolve is within her.
Think about how she can be the sister you lean on, the best friend who has no biases nor judgement, she is the only true woman who knows what’s going on. Because she is You. Just the healed version of you.
So she knows exactly how to get you over the challenges.
When there are days you don’t want to get out bed, ask yourself what would she do? In my case, I would ask, “What would Natasha do?”
Would she lay in bed all Saturday and mope about. Would she think this is a healthy way to spend my day? Or would she get up, put on some stretchy pants and explore the world outside.
She would definitely get up and then also add a little lip gloss in the mix.
I initially would get ready in a numb-like state. But I would go anyways because I knew this loneliness and this healing would take its course. So a good playlist, a nice outfit, and the vision of future me fueled me.
And then once I was out and about, talking to new people, and trying new activities–I started feeling like I was finding my way back to myself.
One step, one activity, one new feeling at a time, I made my way back to the woman who knows her worth.
As for me, now I’m with a man who understands and loves me for the partner I am to him and daughter-in-law I am to his family. It took a lot for me to become HER for him. But I’m glad I’m finally here.
